Friday, March 30, 2012
I am hurting inside, really hurting. I thought I would have a lot to say but honestly, I'm now speechless. Just because of a camp, you can ask for a break up. Just because of a camp, you can bear to treat me this way. Do you realize how much it hurts when you told me ''seriously luh lets break and be friend bah''. Do you know how much and how loud I cried when I heard you say "Let's Break Up." on the phone?
You used to always tell me that no matter what problems we have, we must always sit down and solve it instead of running away from it or letting it carry over to the next day. You also said that both of us have to work hard and hold on to each other no matter what happens, no matter how big the quarrel is. We even pinky promised that we will never let go of each other. Don't you remember?
That one little promise meant a lot to me. No matter how big our quarrel, no matter how many times you tried to let go, I always held on to that promise, the promise you gave me that you would never let go of me no matter what.
As the book "Mars and Venus on a Date" said, men are like rubber bands. No matter how far they stretch or pull away, they will eventually bounce back to us women. The book also mentioned that sometimes men feel a sudden urge to pull away when they experienced too much intimacy in the emotional or soul level, and that they will return back with even more love and determination. I wish to believe that is true, but on the other hand I'm also afraid that you would not ''bounce back'' like what the book says. I probably should let you ''stretch'' and ''bounce back'' by yourself but I just can't have the confidence in myself that you will really eventually ''bounce back'' and not ''snap''.
One thing I don't understand is, if you really loved me that much, why would you mention ''break up'' as easily as '' a b c ''? Whenever our quarrels reach a certain level , you would always throw those two words at me. I don't want to just ''be friends''. I want to be exclusive to you. What else am I supposed to do?
If you loved me, shouldn't you want me to be happy? I am happiest when you are with me, when you were the most understanding to me. Why just because of a camp you can get so unreasonable and even ask for break up? I tried to stand in your shoes and understand what is your concern. I know, it is going to be very tough to go through a saturday without me, but you have to learn to live with it. Things won't always go your way. This camp is a once-in-a-lifetime thing and I really don't want to miss it. I want to make friends with people from my course and my school so that in the future when i need help I would have people that are willing to help me. I have enough of being an outcast just because I'm too quiet. A camp is just the right thing to help me make friends.
Back in secondary one, I was a total loner. True, people talked to me, but I had to eat recess on my own, quickly finish my food and roam around the school. Go everywhere on my own, because everyone else has their clique. I don't wish to go back to that life again, I honestly don't.
I know I said something hurting to you too, like ''You have never gone through poly life before, so don't teach me what to do''. But think about it, I have never gone through NS life before, I know I could never understand the torture you had to go through, but at the same time I never tried to teach or tell you what to do, did I?
I'm writing this not to attract any attention or whatnot, I am just venting out my troubles and writing my feelings down. After all, this blog is the only thing that would listen to me without any mocking or arguments. I can be myself and tell my blog all my feelings about things that happens.
All I'm hoping is for you to cool down and think about it then we talk things out. I honestly don't want to break up just because of this. We are reaching our 5th month together soon. Is this 5 months of relationship so worthless that just because of this, you want to break up?
I wish... I wish....
10:30:00 AM
Cheryl