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Cheryl
17June1995
Singapore Polytechnic
Dip in Visual Communication & Media Design
Gemini
lyrehcx@hotmail.com
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You're right. Maybe I'm too not confident in myself. Maybe I control you until too tight. But have you ever thought, why would this happen? How did you treat me in the first place? It's only my mind and my heart reacting to it. Everytime you would say ''lets break up lah'' or ''break contact lah'' , and every time i would be the one chasing after you.

You would continue giving me sarcastic remarks and replies, saying that its none of my business, that i need not care. But I would always continue to chase after you for your forgiveness. You keep pushing me away no matter what, until you are happy then you'd finally forgive me. Honestly I don't know what else to do. Should I kneel down and beg for your forgiveness before you'll forgive me?

The book '' Mars and Venus on a Date'' says that as a woman, I should be happily receiving until we are in the intimacy stage where I can start to give. Maybe I'm taking this all wrong. I should only be sharing my troubles with you in the intimacy stage so that your impression of me would be good. (by the way the intimacy here doesn't mean physically, it means emotionally, mentally and spiritually)

I want to ask for help so badly, but I don't know where to get help. People can give advices but they won't know what is exactly happening in our relationship. I want so badly to salvage this relationship and change for the better but are you willing to do the same?

The more you push me away, the more tired I get. Don't blame me if one fine day, I decide not to care anymore.

You're right. Maybe I'm too not confident in myself. Maybe I control you until too tight. But have you ever thought, why would this happen? How did you treat me in the first place? It's only my mind and my heart reacting to it. Everytime you would say ''lets break up lah'' or ''break contact lah'' , and every time i would be the one chasing after you.

You would continue giving me sarcastic remarks and replies, saying that its none of my business, that i need not care. But I would always continue to chase after you for your forgiveness. You keep pushing me away no matter what, until you are happy then you'd finally forgive me. Honestly I don't know what else to do. Should I kneel down and beg for your forgiveness before you'll forgive me?

The book '' Mars and Venus on a Date'' says that as a woman, I should be happily receiving until we are in the intimacy stage where I can start to give. Maybe I'm taking this all wrong. I should only be sharing my troubles with you in the intimacy stage so that your impression of me would be good. (by the way the intimacy here doesn't mean physically, it means emotionally, mentally and spiritually)

I want to ask for help so badly, but I don't know where to get help. People can give advices but they won't know what is exactly happening in our relationship. I want so badly to salvage this relationship and change for the better but are you willing to do the same?

The more you push me away, the more tired I get. Don't blame me if one fine day, I decide not to care anymore.

I am hurting inside, really hurting. I thought I would have a lot to say but honestly, I'm now speechless. Just because of a camp, you can ask for a break up. Just because of a camp, you can bear to treat me this way. Do you realize how much it hurts when you told me ''seriously luh lets break and be friend bah''. Do you know how much and how loud I cried when I heard you say "Let's Break Up." on the phone?

You used to always tell me that no matter what problems we have, we must always sit down and solve it instead of running away from it or letting it carry over to the next day. You also said that both of us have to work hard and hold on to each other no matter what happens, no matter how big the quarrel is. We even pinky promised that we will never let go of each other. Don't you remember?

That one little promise meant a lot to me. No matter how big our quarrel, no matter how many times you tried to let go, I always held on to that promise, the promise you gave me that you would never let go of me no matter what.

As the book "Mars and Venus on a Date" said, men are like rubber bands. No matter how far they stretch or pull away, they will eventually bounce back to us women. The book also mentioned that sometimes men feel a sudden urge to pull away when they experienced too much intimacy in the emotional or soul level, and that they will return back with even more love and determination. I wish to believe that is true, but on the other hand I'm also afraid that you would not ''bounce back'' like what the book says. I probably should let you ''stretch'' and ''bounce back'' by yourself but I just can't have the confidence in myself that you will really eventually ''bounce back'' and not ''snap''.

One thing I don't understand is, if you really loved me that much, why would you mention ''break up'' as easily as '' a b c ''? Whenever our quarrels reach a certain level , you would always throw those two words at me. I don't want to just ''be friends''. I want to be exclusive to you. What else am I supposed to do?

If you loved me, shouldn't you want me to be happy? I am happiest when you are with me, when you were the most understanding to me. Why just because of a camp you can get so unreasonable and even ask for break up? I tried to stand in your shoes and understand what is your concern. I know, it is going to be very tough to go through a saturday without me, but you have to learn to live with it. Things won't always go your way. This camp is a once-in-a-lifetime thing and I really don't want to miss it. I want to make friends with people from my course and my school so that in the future when i need help I would have people that are willing to help me. I have enough of being an outcast just because I'm too quiet. A camp is just the right thing to help me make friends.

Back in secondary one, I was a total loner. True, people talked to me, but I had to eat recess on my own, quickly finish my food and roam around the school. Go everywhere on my own, because everyone else has their clique. I don't wish to go back to that life again, I honestly don't.

I know I said something hurting to you too, like ''You have never gone through poly life before, so don't teach me what to do''. But think about it, I have never gone through NS life before, I know I could never understand the torture you had to go through, but at the same time I never tried to teach or tell you what to do, did I?

I'm writing this not to attract any attention or whatnot, I am just venting out my troubles and writing my feelings down. After all, this blog is the only thing that would listen to me without any mocking or arguments. I can be myself and tell my blog all my feelings about things that happens.

All I'm hoping is for you to cool down and think about it then we talk things out. I honestly don't want to break up just because of this. We are reaching our 5th month together soon. Is this 5 months of relationship so worthless that just because of this, you want to break up?

I wish... I wish....

Couldn't fight the urge to blog about how I feel about it.

You say that I'm too open-minded with my future course mates just because I jokingly told one of them to bring undergarments. But I want you to know that this is who I am. I am someone who can joke about this kind of things with people. I am someone this open-minded as this is how I was brought up. I am open-minded to everybody, not only you. If you like the fact that I am an open-minded person, you should accept the fact that I am open-minded not only to you, but to everyone else too.

If I am only 'open-minded' to you alone, it wouldn't really be what I am. It'll be like a mask I put on only in front of certain people, for example you. Would you like that? The fact that I can be open-minded with them means that I am someone like that by nature, like it or not. Then why are you getting so uptight about it? I am open-minded with them doesn't mean that I'm gonna have sex with them or something right?

Honestly, you keep telling me how open-minded you are, and how much you appreciate the fact that I'm an open-minded person. But when I'm like that to everyone, you get pissed or jealous or angry. Why? Take my ex-POA-tutor for example, he is a gentleman. His wife loves the fact that he is a gentleman. But when he treats everyone like that, his wife gets jealous and angry. He can't understand why, he says that its in his nature, that he is like that. I totally agree with him. I mean, if he was only nice to his wife, wouldn't it be a bit fake already?

Therefore, the same logic applies here to me. I am like that, brought up this way, this is my nature. I will be like that no matter what. You like that I am like that, you must also accept that I am like that to everyone else.

Okaay I have no idea why the internet is so freaking slow and lag these days, is it because I'm too far away from the modem? But I'm reluctant to go to the living room just to be able to use my macbook! ):

Okay enough about the internet connection, baby's grandparents asked me if I wanted to go to Johor with them (and baby too of course) on 29april! Was like so happy about it as baby said that its the first time they actually asked any of his girlfriend to go on an overseas trip with them! (: Feel so honored heheh. ><

Asked my parents and surprisingly they agreed to let me go! O: So awesome right! :D Made me so excited for it lah can!

FOC is coming real real real soon! Its like this saturday! (needless to say, I haven't packed for it :x ) I have no freaking idea why am I even so excited for it LOL, of course other than the fact that I won't be able to meet baby for the weekends. ): Baby jiayou, you can do it de! <3

I know I'm crapping ALOT from this to that, but a million things are running through my mind now hahaha! (includes how awesome this keyboard is) Been having stomach problems ): Feel so horrible sometimes having a stomach ache but when I go to the toilet, nothing comes out :\ (okay i sound super crude here)

I have no idea what else to say hahaha, just had a random thought to blog about how things have been, and what is on my mind right now :D

On a side note, I wished I'm skinny and pretty. ): I see pretty girls are like so much more confident of themselves. haiy. ><

Didn't really have the time to blog yesterday as many things cropped up. Well, baby didn't really have much time to accompany me yesterday as he had to be home early to prepare to attend his cousin's wedding dinner. And as usual, we quarreled yesterday. He took a bus back to amk to cool himself down before taking the bus back to bedok to find me. I'm really grateful that he came back for me in the end. (:


He wanted to bring me to make a new pair of spectacles but I felt so weird and awkward looking at the specs on display and we eventually walked out and tried to talk things out. Before that, he told me that he couldn't forget about his ex, and in a fit of anger, I told him to go back to her since he can't forget her. But after sitting down and talking about it, he told me that his definition of 'cannot forget' was that there is still memories, while my definition of it was that there is still feelings. So, we talked a while more and he sent me back to my granny's place. I mustered up the courage in the lift and asked him if we could patch back, he sweetly and gently told me that he didn't want to break up, and hugged me ever so tightly. I felt pure happiness at that point of time, I didn't want him to let go. (:


Later in the evening, he told me that the sucky feeling of not being able to accept that i'm going for a camp, is back. I gave him my understanding, that I know it is not easy for him to get through that period of time, but i assured him that I would try to make it as painless as possible, texting and calling him whenever possible. I hope that he will be able to keep himself occupied and not feel so pissed whenever he thinks that I am at camp.


He explained that the reason why he came back for me was that he did not want to lose me, that he promised me he wouldn't let go of me. He did not want to vent his anger on me and so the reason for taking bus back to amk in order to cool himself down. (: 


I love how he would always be so sweet to me, always thinking for me, always so gentle towards me. I really love him. (:


Hmmm, anyway, just finished watching the last episode of as I didn't get a chance to last night, thanks to my mom. She made my sister and I unpack all the boxes of stuffs ): Ah whatever, kinda glad that she actually did that, my room looks so neat now! <3


Okaaay, I have no idea what else i can blog about hahah. Thats all for now. (:

Been long since I last blogged, isn't it?
I somehow wonder who actually reads my blog. (haha!) Gotten my Macbook Pro and I'm now using it to type out this post. Hehe! :D

Actually, I don't really know what to blog about hahah, just like the feeling of typing on this keyboard >

Okay enough of that shit. I honestly don't know what's the problem also. (;

Oh okay sorry for the freaking long pause, went to find out what's exactly the problem. >< Called both M1 and Starhub LOL. cute much. Hmm okay turns out that baby had to reset his network settings and try again and yay! It worked! Hehes I'm like so happy about it! :D

Okay I honestly don't know what else to blog about LOL. As much as I love typing on this keyboard, I'm afraid I have to stop here hahaha! See ya tomorrow or something, if i have the time to sit down and blog on this awesome macbook :3 I doubt anyone is actually reading this anyway. Hahahah!

We've been quite happy for the past few days after I've told you what my mom told me - that I can't give in to you anymore. We didn't quarrel as much or as seriously anymore, but on this very day, you actually said that I became very weird and that I changed.

Have you ever thought about it, that it may not be me changing but you? I am just returning back to who I was, the happy cheerful girl that everybody loves. (haha, this part is abit bhb but who cares) I used to not having to report to anybody what I was doing every single moment - whether it is getting ready for school/work, or leaving house to go somewhere. I mean, I know you care about me but must I have to report to you what I'm doing every single moment? Did you even report to me what you were doing every single moment in the first place? No.

Having my menses also tired me out totally. I mean, which girl wouldn't be tired out from it? Can you imagine constantly losing blood for a week, once every month? Adding on to the fact that I will have constant mood swings and things like that. You think it's easy to go through all these pretending that nothing's going on?

You think, how would you feel if you were woken up in the morning by a call asking " what time did you sleep last night? " Then later knowing that your own boyfriend dreamt of another girl sleeping on his lap and asking him out on a one-to-one dinner date together. Isn't it ridiculous? Obviously I would be more focused on the fact that you dreamt of such a dream than be concerned about whether did I tell you what I was currently doing, isn't it?

You said that you thought it over and you know you shouldn't hold me so tightly all these, but is it real? You don't seem to have matured over what I have told you, but is becoming more and more childish (quoted by my mom).

Just think about it. I'm really tired.

My mom talked to me today, this morning. She said a lot, which made me think it through.

She told me that nowadays I have changed a lot. I used to be an independent, mature and responsible girl which she never has to worry about. But I'm starting to worry her nowadays as I am getting more and more immature and childish in my thinking. Is it true? I don't know.

She told me that I have my rights to do whatever I want, whether it is going to work, school, camps or going out with my girlfriends, that he can't control or restrict me in this. She told me that I should not give in, that I should stand up for my own rights. I thought thoroughly about it, I realized how foolish I had been, trying to give in trying to make him happy at the expense of myself. I'm losing myself, I no longer have a character that belongs to me.

I must really thank you mummy, for waking me up from all these. Yes, I love him, but that doesn't mean that I have to give in to whatever he wants. We both have the rights to do what we want. We are in love, but that doesn't mean we have to lose our freedom or our friends just so that we can stick together. I really understand now.

I am going to stand up for myself now, but I'm not going to be too harsh. I do understand that for someone to change, it's not that easy. I will be by your side and support you while you change for the better. Like my mother said, you are a good person, a good boy, the problem lies in your thinking, which haven't really matured yet. It's okay baby, I will be there for you while you go through this. I know it's tough for you, but don't worry I'm here.

The day today has been okay so far. Woke up at 7.30 and went for a run downstairs. Only managed to run one round 'cause I haven't been exercising for god-knows-how-long, like ever since PE stopped in sec 4.

Anyway, the run was okay just really tiring as I'm getting ultra fat and heavy and lazy. Oh god. I have to keep up with this no matter what. If not I'll just continue getting fatter. ><

I came back from my run in like about 20 minutes or so, my mom was complaining " so fast? You only went down for 5 - 10 minutes! This isn't running! " . Oh well, mom, if you want to feel how it feels, try running one round around the estate thanks. It's only my first run in like half a year or so, what do you expect? Me to run 4-5 rounds around the estate? I'll die okay. :\

I'm getting really excited about getting my own personal macbook for school! It's like the first time I actually have my own computer and will be able to do whatever I want with it. Like how awesome is that right? :D
After I get my own macbook I guess I can actually try to blog more about my life, and my feelings. (If anyone actually bothers to read my blog). Well I don't really care if anyone reads it anyway, my blog is just a place for me to voice out my thoughts and feelings about things that happens in my life, no matter sad or happy. (:

Yesterday after taking half day and going to find my boyfriend, the day actually went rather smoothly. We went to his house to slack and stuffs before going to order cake and buy dinner in the evening. Didn't actually quarrel uptill now. (: I'm so happy about it hehehe! Hope things will remain like this.. ><

Decided to blog now (like so sudden) as I'm trying to convert those songs that he gave me, and sync them all to my phone (: Did something wrong and all the songs in my phone end up missing. ): Couldn't live without music so had to sync them back as soon as possible. After this I'm gonna pack my room. Mundane task I know, but I don't really have a choice as I'm moving soon - probably next week since its the March holidays for school kids which means my brother and sister would be free to help to move. (:

Ah well, I don't really know what else to talk about but I like the feeling of typing on my dad's laptop as the keyboard is really nice to type with. heehee! That's why you see so much crap coming out without me even thinking about it. hahahah. :D

Okay I'm running out of things to crap about, I shall stop here now, will update as often as I can if i have time to actually sit down and blog with the computer as I prefer typing here than using my phone. heehee! By the way, check out my new blogskin! (:

I don't know what to do anymore.

You asked me to take leave,

I went to take half day leave even when its my last day.

It finally got approved,

You called and I told you that,

What did you give in reply?

"Nevermind already, I'm going out with my friends."

What am I supposed to do?

Oh god. I really feel suffocated now. I can't even breathe.

I'm in a huge dilemma. I really don't know what to do anymore.

Should I listen to him and take an urgent half day leave (just because he wants me to)?

Or should I listen to the little voice in my head that tells me I'm not supposed to?

I really don't know what to do.

Today is my last day of work at this company.

You are forcing me to take half day leave just because you want me to.

I don't know which would be the right decision to make.

I don't want to lose you, but do i deserve all these?

I always trusted you no matter what you said,

Just because I told you a little white lie,

You condemn me forever.

You have problems trusting people,

But that doesn't mean you're the only one.

I have been lied to before,

That's why i built a wall around me.

Have you ever thought,

How did you find out that it was a lie?

From other people's mouths?

Or was it from mine?

Have you ever wondered,

If I'd intended to lie to you,

Why didn't I just lie all the way,

But instead I told you the truth,

And end up getting distrust from you.

My dearest boy,

You have to remember and know this,

That the world does not revolve around you.

People have their rights,

People have their say,

People too have their own limits.

I don't have to give in,

But why do I?

The answer is actually simple,

I cherish you and I.

Is this how a relationship should be like? One controlling the other? It makes me feel really suffocated , I can't even breathe.

 I don't know which side of you to trust anymore, I really don't. Just last night we promised to never leave each other. Just last night you told me you thought about it and you feel that the next time we quarrel, we should never fight or shout at each other, and that we should sit down and talk about it. You said that you won't leave me, that I'm your one and only baby, your best girlfriend. But in the blink of an eye, you said that you can easily go to other girls. Which can I really trust?

 Benjamin and me are just like real siblings, we can never feel for each other in that way, we can never get together. But you, on the other hand, keep thinking in a weird way which I will never understand. You are like two different people when you're angry and when you're not. Which is the real you?

 You can easily say things which are really hurtful when you're enraged, but when you're calmed down, you can actually think logically and tell me real solutions other than fighting or violence. All I need is for you to calm down before trying to solve this whole problem.

 I'm lost, I really don't know what to do anymore. How can I ensure that you won't lose your temper so easily? I know one way is probably for you to lose weight so that you can feel more confident in yourself. I don't know any other ways to boost your confidence level so that you will not be so afraid to lose me.

 We have gone so much to be together, we broke contact for two years and finally met at friend's chalet. You and I were both attached then. After that, you said that I lied to you because I didn't tell you that I was attached at that time. I finally broke up with my boyfriend, and you had to wait for my O'levels to finish. After we got together, because of trust issues, we fought often. I finally got the courage to stand up for myself after a few months, and you drastically improved. Until recently, you lost patience, confidence, and gained back your temper.

 Sometimes I wonder after having gone through all these, why can you still say 'break up' as easy as '123'? Don't you feel the pain and the hurt when you say it? Its hurting, very very hurting. Oh well, I guess I could live with it, as long as I don't let go, I won't lose you, hopefully. (:


 





" To love someone, you have to lose someone. " I guess this quote applies to this situation, in order for me to be able to continue loving you, I have to lose a brother.

I don't even feel like living anymore. Let you say until like that.
You mean you remember everything? Everything you have to ask 3-4 times before you FINALLY understand and remember it. I told you, the camp is 31march to 2april, that question alone you ask how many times? I told you i have an outing on ________, you ask how many times? You even forgot when is our anniversary. You still say you are serious?

I don't even know if you even loved me in the first place, to be able to treat me like SHIT all the time. I have enough of being played. I'm losing confidence in LOVE.

I wanna die.

Working right now.. Honestly, I can't imagine how anyone would survive working here. I mean other than the fact that the people are rather friendly, I don't like this working environment at all. Moreover, my pay is like peanuts compared to what I'm doing.

True, it's the simplest job ever, but let's not forget that it's also the most mundane job ever. Can you imagine spending the whole day sitting here and only clicking with the mouse, pressing 'ctrl + c/v/f/x' from time to time? It's totally horrible, you're not even TYPING anything.

I know, you guys need help in finishing these drawings, but if so, couldn't you guys have given these to me earlier? Plus, i think i'm doing repeats of drawings for god knows how many times already.

Imagine going through all these just for a pathetic amount of $700/mth? moreover they don't even pay you monthly. It's kind of like a daily basis thing. $700/mth, but they minus off those days you didn't come. You call that $700/mth? Even my dad says that they're cheating me. Now you're begging me to stay, even increasing my pay to $50/day, you think that helps? Well in your face people, i found a new job paying $8.50/hour , data entry, at a place much nearer to my house too.

I spend like $3 travelling to and fro work.. Each trip taking 1hour. It's totally not worth it right? Pathetic. Seriously if you guys care for J so much, why not shift some of her work load to someone else? All of you guys are like so free all the time, couldn't you guys just help her? Seriously. -.-